I Want You To Want Me

Love is the most complicated emotion out there. While this is not an earth-shattering statement, it is a statement that can't be more true. There are countless songs sung about it, books written about it, art made as a result of love found and love lost. Love is beautiful in its complication and can also be incredibly hurtful.

I have realized that I have spent a lot of my life refusing love. I have had men love me or want to love me in the past and have turned it away. I have chosen men who have been uninterested or unable to love me. I have had opportunities to live with an open heart and participate in the grace that comes with being vulnerable and allowing love in and have chosen not to.

I had a rough start with love. People that were naturally supposed to be "assigned" with the task of loving me failed. Decisions that I have made in the past have disallowed love from coming into my life. I have treated myself with less than love in many ways-drugs, alcohol, sex, food, anger, criticism and physical harm.

Things have changed and are changing. I love fiercely. I give love. I ask for it back. I fight for it. I stand up for it.

I still get shot down sometimes. It still hurts. I still ask for love in clumsy ways at times. It's still complicated. But instead of engaging in old patterns of pushing it away or reacting in anger, I sit with this vulnerability, move through the feelings by feeling them all, dust myself off and look for more opportunities to love.

If I've done one thing right in my life, it's been my decision to love myself and others no matter what.