Lost in the Supermarket

As a kid, eating healthy was not only something that we didn't do, it was something that we weren't taught to do either. My family on both sides have never eaten healthy-lots of processed foods, sugar, carbs. Growing up in Alaska added another element to the formation of unhealthy eating habits. Food is incredibly expensive in Alaska, especially things like fruits and vegetables due to the high shipping costs. In addition to that, the long transport times tend to deliver less than ideal produce. So we grew up on cookies, candy, carbs and other cheap meals. A lot of times in the morning rush, my mom would throw three Rainbow Chips Deluxe cookies on a plate and that was breakfast. I was addicted to sugar by the time I started school, if not sooner. I don't blame her for it-she was in an abusive relationship, struggling with alcoholism, didn't get that education either from her parents and was working a menial government job and couldn't afford healthy foods. I would've done the same thing in her situation.

My weight has fluctuated since grade school and I think I'm once again overweight by about twenty pounds for the fourth time in my adult life. This wreaks havoc on my self-esteem and gives me another way to put undue pressure and criticism on myself. It's a bit of a constant thing.

These habits transported directly into my adult life. At first, I found the taste and texture of fruits and vegetables to be repulsive. They also didn't hit my pleasure center like sugar did-and still does. Eventually I got over that but I certainly wasn't eating healthy food on the regular. My depression and sexual trauma feed into my unhealthy eating habits as a subconscious way to try to make myself unattractive or beat myself up while simultaneously provide short lived pleasure and comfort. Fucked up, isn't it?

It seems like 2016 on into 2017 is more shedding of old skin. First it was my relationship to work, then it was my ability to give and receive love. Now it appears to be time to tackle my longstanding body issues and learning how to care for myself in this way as well. There's a steep learning curve here-I wanted to buy beets today but wasn't sure what they looked like-but I'm going to do myself a kindness and learn.

This is another reason that my little garden is such a healing place for me at such a divine time. And I did find those beets eventually.