Push + Pull

"We are never so vulnerable as when we love, and never so hopelessly unhappy as when we lose the object of our love." 

Sigmund Freud

I would elaborate on this quote further by saying that we are never so hopelessly unhappy and out of control as when we make the choice, consciously or unconsciously, to push away the object of our love. 

I have been guilty of this dynamic. Sometimes called the "push/pull" dynamic or the "idealize/devalue/discard" phase, it is a pattern of behavior that hurts both people involved. The non-clinical description of this dynamic is feeling closeness (idealize/pull), followed by an incident where one or more parties feel hurt and, in reaction to the hurt, push the person away on an emotional level (devalue/discard/push). 

This is an incredibly painful process for all involved, regardless of who is "calling the shots". It is exceptionally painful if both parties are participating in calling the shots. The pain magnifies if one or both parties don't realize or acknowledge that they are engaged in this pattern. 

These behaviors tend to sprout from the fertile yet toxic soil of childhood and/or adult abandonment, betrayal, infidelity and abuse. It is a subconscious and poorly formed defense mechanism to avoid hurt. However, it is a surefire way to hurt yourself and others. 

Andy Weir, author of "The Martian", wrote a short piece called "The Egg". In this passage, he writes "Every time you victimized someone you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

Thinking of this push/pull dynamic in this context brings different life to it. Why would I want to do this to someone else? Why would I want to do this to myself? Why wouldn't I want to prioritize love and joy? Why do I feel like I don't deserve happiness and love, because someone told me that once? Because someone treated me without happiness and love at different points in my life? Those situations were painful lessons but that's all they were. Lessons.

When you start attending school, your goal is to get to the next grade, obtain the next degree. You don't stay stuck in kindergarten learning how to tie your shoes for eternity. As you walk through life, your goal is to reach comfort, happiness, joy, love, enlightenment. You don't stay stuck in trauma learning how to further traumatize yourself. 

So re-frame this push/pull dynamic. 

Instead of pushing people away, push negativity, hurt and bad habits aside. Push yourself to love yourself and be happy.  

Instead of pulling people in to act as balm to your wounds, only to find out that that's an impossible to task to put on someone, pull people in to love them and let them love you. 

Pull good energy in. Push good energy out. 

When I went to my first plant ceremony last September, I kept hearing these same words from the ancestors over and over again: "let them love you." On the surface I understood what this meant, felt it was a basic concept. However in practice, it was and continues to be one of the hardest lessons I am learning. I am learning, but I certainly have not graduated from this particular school. 

But I am learning. In a recent situation where I felt pushed away, hurt and confused I chose to push negativity out and pull happiness and love in. A hope for happiness for this person and happiness for myself. Love for this person and love for myself. While I felt wounded and frustrated that this person was not seeing their own push/pull dynamic, I acknowledged my own long and arduous journey towards understanding and owning my push/pull dynamic and compassionately understood how hard it is to own this particular dynamic, given how painful and how deeply ingrained it is. 

It is not my responsibility to guide this person into seeing the "error of their ways." It's not an error. It's a reaction that hurt and traumatized people engage in as an effort to avoid future hurt. Does it work? Of course not. Does it happen? Of course it does. 

My responsibility is to choose to love myself and love the people in my life in an unconditional way. And that includes pulling loved ones in closer and pushing love and energy towards them, even if they can't see it. For with that love and energy comes the confidence and trust that they will eventually see and if they don't see, I can continue to wish them love and peace on their journey even when it doesn't align with mine.

Learn fast and walk slow but in those times that you learn slow and walk fast, love each other anyway.