Secret

While I tend to have a general distaste for most formal mental health diagnoses, there is one diagnosis that I will readily admit that I struggle with. But even that diagnosis has been a struggle to accept and even more difficult to admit to others.

Major Depression.

I have struggled with depression since my early teens, perhaps even earlier. It slowly but surely built itself in as a part of my life in my 20's and, now in my mid-30's, depression has been around so long that I have been able to subconsciously normalize it. Depression hangs on me like a tar, constantly dragging me down but giving me just enough mobility to fool myself and others that I am OK.

Given my back story, it isn't all that surprising that I am depressed. Having experienced constant, consistent and intense trauma for the first fourteen years of my life has rewired my brain in some ways. So has enduring what feels like a lifetime of insults, judgment and criticism from myself and others. High levels of hurt, bad choices and a series of failures in my adult life helped the cause as well. However, I think it's the shame of "not having it together" and having to wear a mask and pretend that everything is OK has given depression so much power in my life.

Since my early 20's, I have had distinct cycles of depression. The cycle starts with losing interest in things that I enjoy doing, followed by disruptive sleep patterns, moving on to isolation from or the pushing away of others, often coinciding with periods of heavy drinking (or wanting to drink heavily and battling against the urge to do so these days), and typically ends in four or more days of not leaving my room except to use the bathroom and getting pissed off that I have to do that. A catalyst for these cycles can be numerous-the loss of an opportunity, work-related stressors, criticism from someone close to me, or simply being worn out by the negative self-talk that creeps in at a consistent pace. The cycle doesn't unfold overnight, sometimes the cycle takes up to six months to really crash down on me.

Last year was an incredibly hard year for me personally and professionally. It was a tremendous growth year,  something that I am grateful for. However, in order for that growth to occur, I had to take a lot of long, hard looks at myself-my behavior patterns, my coping skills or lack thereof, my personal narrative. A lot of what I saw wasn't pretty. This growth also had to run in tandem with numerous stressors around my job and relationship, which was no accident considering that those are the two areas that needed the most growth. I was being tested last year. I still am.

I had a dream about six months ago that I am realizing spoke to me about my depression. Given the timing of the dream, it was almost predicting, trying to warn me about my most recent crash. I was sitting in a clubhouse box seat at the racetrack watching the horses run the track. Every single race, a horse went down, broke a leg and had to be put down. Sometimes the jockey was hurt, sometimes not but the horse was always hurt to the point of death and in some races, multiple horses went down.

This dream was jarring to me given the level of death and the symbolism that horses represent in Native culture, my culture. Horses represent Western medicine, healing medicine and strength, so to see horses in your dream signifies that you are given an opportunity to heal, that good medicine is headed your way if you are open to it. Seeing horses die one after the other in this dream shook me awake with anxiety.

My spiritual advisor had a different take on that dream. He said that the "medicine is saying, look, this is why when you take a tumble you get down. If instead of trying to run a race the horses/jockeys were out for a stroll, this wouldn't be happening. Life is not a race to be run or a career to be had, or anything else than what it is.  The ability is there (the jockey), the strength and will to overcome is there (horse), the path is there (a track) but it is all organized for going around in circles and careening out of control into a fall that could be fatal.  And every time that happens then you go into the next race . . . same outcome.  Always, same ingredients, same structure, same outcome.  So what is going to change?  Well, it has already changed: you are not one of those horses or one of those jockeys.  In the dream you are a witness on the bleachers.  That is the only place where consciousness abides, in the internal witness.  Only the witness doesn't get all wrapped up in the next drama, in the next race, in the next win or lose-success or fail situation. The witness watches and lets be and lets live, lets life . . . then you can see love, perfection, wisdom and beauty flower out of it all--truth."

Flash forward to now. I had another crash. I suffered a surreal, full circle blow that was wrapped up in old wounds and patterns of both a personal and professional nature. I won't talk about it here. I held on for a month after the incident, dragging myself through the days, doing "what I needed to do" because that's what I've been conditioned to do. Two weeks ago I found myself laid out in my bed, not eating and not moving unless I had to use to the bathroom. Here we go again. The horse had to be put down again.

Then something changed. I told someone close to me what had happened. Then I told another person. And another. And another.  I was met with love and compassion from all of them. Many of them related their own struggles with depression. I felt understood. Normalized. Not alone. It felt good.

I'm feeling a crash coming on again and I'm disappointed in that considering that it's only been two weeks since the last one. Certain events and circumstances have made it difficult for me to take the time I need to dust myself off and care for myself in the way that I should. I've spent the space in between worried about a close friend and most recently, feeling kind of picked on by someone close to me. I don't say this to make others feel guilty, their current circumstances and their choices are theirs, it's my choice to let them affect me. I actually say this to acknowledge my personal growth. The fact that I am identifying a potential crash coming means that I am actively centering myself and giving love to myself. The fact that I am being open and honest with myself and others about this potential crash is growth. These things combined give me a level of genuine inner strength that I have never felt before.

Time to slow down from a sprint to a walk. 

This horse isn't breaking down this time.